Hi everyone! I realized that in my last journal, being so focused in my bad financial status, I didn't even mention how my transition is going, and given how many of you have been asking about it, here it is!
3 months on hormones, yay! That's not really that much time, but changes are already pretty evident: I no longer have to stuff my bra, my skin is way softer, sweat is almost gone, and my face is a tiny tiny bit more female. Everyone treats me as female now, no strangers make the mistake anymore, and my father even told me that one friend of his (who didn't know about my past) had said that I am a really attractive woman. First compliment ever! I couldn't be happier.
Still avoiding "very feminine" clothes, and still hating makeup and jewelry. I just... don't like them on me, I feel prettier and more comfortable without them. It's strange, given how I dreamed about becoming female and staring at the mirror for hours, wearing all kinds of sexy clothes.
I've changed a lot through transition. Of course, I'm happier than ever, being able to be myself and all. And I'd never go back, of course. But there are things that have gone away that make me a little sad, feelings that are missing, mostly concerning TG art and TG fantasies.
When a teenager, dreaming about becoming a girl and getting to look sexy, wear feminine clothes, explore my female body, was my biggest (if not my only) fantasy. And thus all TG related art and animations were a high interest for me. So much, that I even started doing my own, as you all know. Doing TG animations and drawings was really great, and living my fantasies through them filled me with joy. In an attempt to make it as close as a reality as possible, I even mastered the art of lucid dreaming with intense training during many years. These fantasies were the biggest source of happiness I had in my life, by far.
Then, of course, new feelings started to arise, the depression, the uncertainty, new questions popping in my head, the "why" I loved this so much, the "why" I hated my male body so much, "why" I was so uncomfortable and sad being male, all leading to discovering that I had a true gender dysphoria, and eventually telling everyone about it and finally starting transition.
Transition wiped out all my inner demons, all depression, sadness... everything bad went away. Now, I'm in peace, everything is in place, as it should be. I'm now learning to really enjoy life and to live happily.
But... the fantasies are gone. For me, TG art has gone from the most exciting thing ever, to just... "meh". And that makes me real sad, as I browse through all my past works and don't find any interest in them at all. It's just gone. I can clearly remember how great it all felt, how it turned me on even, but no longer feel it. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm going to stop making TG stuff, as most of you share that feelings and I perfectly know how great they are, so I couldn't possibly take that away from you. That's also why I love doing commissions, because I can bring that joy and excitement to others, all that great feelings that I miss so much. It's a bit of a depressing thought, but remember that just living the fantasy may be way greater and stronger than actually getting your wish granted. There's something special and magical in wishing for something that you'll never get.